Macho Man

Remind me not to play such silly games again.

I was playing this game last Tuesday with a female friend titled “unpleasant truths about each other”.

It was her turn. I was sitting on a couch, casually throwing grapes into my mouth from a distance.

“You don’t have too many manly qualities you know, you are slightly….how can I put it….. Dull” she commented casually

The next grape hit me in the eye as I recoiled in shock.

“What do you mean?” I spluttered indignantly.

She poked me in the tummy with a beautiful manicured finger.

“Ouch!! What the..?

“Is your stomach flat?” she bellowed like a Nazi dictator.

I studiously ignored her. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am not fat. Just pleasantly plump in certain places if you gather my drift.”

“Real guys like to exercise” she continued. Vinod spends an hour every morning doing 200 pushups. 200...”she emphatically repeated. ”He has this body to die for, what a chiseled chest” She drooled away.

So sue me.

“What are your hobbies?” She demanded next. Pesky female, this.

“Huh?” I had drifted away to sleep.

She poked me in the stomach again.

“Hobbies” she repeated, with an evil glint in her eye.

I was beginning to be alarmed now.

“Err, books…..writing…mmm that’s it I guess”

“Such gay hobbies. All the guys I know have hobbies like Fast cars, Soccer, Mountaineering .Why are you such a sissy?”

“All the guys she knows...Don’t I count?” I thought sarcastically. I however remained silent hoping it was over.

I wish.

“You hardly Party. You don’t drink or smoke. Why on earth will a girl fall for you?” she went on.

I took offence. While you don’t have to peel the girls off me by the dozens, I have had the odd admirer or two. I said so to my friend.

“Ha, I bet you wrote her some soppy poetry or something” she said and went off into peals of laughter.

I began to deny indignantly when I remembered I did write some poetry for her.

There ended my last pretensions of manliness.

She had her eyes shut lightly as if deciding what other aspects of my manliness to attack.

If this were a Group Discussion titled “Why the guy beside me is not manly” she would have aced it.

I tried to tiptoe out of the room silently before she opened her eyes. I was almost out of the door when I realized that my way of retreat was not the sign of manliness so I silently tiptoed back in again and sat next to her.

I considered killing her by hitting her on the head with a large book.

I had visions of her ghost coming back to tell me that how a real man would have killed her by running her over with a Ferrari Convertible.

“Damn it!!!”
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Note: The above post was in jest. In reality I weigh 65 kgs, have a waist size of 30, train tigers for a hobby and routinely jump off cliffs for a thrill.

P.s: Girl friend applications open from today. SMS “Macho” to 7777.