Kinetic Trouble

Every guy worth his salt has one.

Lord Vishnu has his trusty Garuda. Those Indian rulers always had a noble horse or elephant or some such animal. And I had my trusty Kinetic Honda Red Color.

We recently retired it. With great reluctance, after my brother threatened to walk out of the house if we dint buy him a vehicle which people dint snigger at as he drove .

We still have it btw. Mom refuses to sell it, for old memories sake. Mom has an elephant’s memory. So you know how my house looks like sometimes.

I have left it unlocked and parked outside our neighbor’s house so that somebody can steal it away if they want to.

This kinetic comes back to haunt me very often. Even after I bought this recently. Recent case in point.

Scene outside my house

Me: So this is my new Hunk….suits my personality eh?

Hot girl whom I am trying to impress: Whatever...…look at that Kinetic. So cute…isn’t that the one you used to ride in? Please sit on it on drive around and let me see how cute you lookie wookie…

Me: (Breaking the handle of the Kinetic surreptiously) What Kinetic? Look it doesn’t have a handle.

Five minutes later I was trying to balance with one hand on the Kinetic, grinning foolishly like an ape.

So you get the picture.

This vehicle was passed on to me by an uncle who decided that people had laughed at him enough and it was time someone else got some.

I used the vehicle all through school and college .Yes ,even when I put on a wee bit of weight while in graduation I still traveled by it, butt draped carefully on either side of the seat.

It proved to be the undoing of my social life. After much persuasion I would convince a girl that I was not a serial killer and would she come on a date with me. Yeah ok. Taj Krishna and I would pay.

One look at the Kinetic and she would give a start of alarm.
Me: (Pointing at the broken silencer) Look. I have rocket boosters installed.

Girl: Get away

Me: Auto? Public Bus? What fun eh?

Girl: Loser…

And she would go out with Ugly guy who had the silver convertible.

I’ve ridden the bike to college which was a good 25 kilometers away.

One day the silencer decided to give up when I was on my way back from college.

Stuffed large wads of cotton into my ear and decided to move on. I had underestimated the gravity of the situation.

In the middle of a busy street I suddenly got the feeling that I was being watched. I woke from my reverie with a start and realized that two hundred people, four dogs, three crows and a cat were looking at me with various degrees of hostility.

Thank god for the cotton. At least I never heard what the fuming Sardar ji was saying. It sounded like Gehen Phod. Wonder what that means?

It was not all bad. I took a pretty classmate to school once on the Kinetic. Separated by two feet of distance but nevertheless sharing the same seat.

And waited eagerly for the rumors to start in college which such activities usually generate. For good measure scribbled “Preeti loves Sri “on the walls of the Restroom to help the rumor spread like wildfire.

Absolutely nothing happened. Damn it. If I had driven her to college in a big Bike, the story might have turned out differently.

This happened last week before we decided we had enough.

I was stopped by traffic policemen.

Policeman: License?

Me: Er...Sorry.

Policeman: 500 rupees

Me: Hee..Hee ..Haw ..Haw….Hee….

Policeman : I shall have to confiscate the bike.
Me: Rolling on the ground now in laughter. Please….For heavens sake.. Hee hee

Policeman: Er….50 rupees?

Me: Take 10, my good man.

Policeman: Thank you, kind sir.
That was the beginning of the end. Adeiu Red Lady.

Macho Man

Remind me not to play such silly games again.

I was playing this game last Tuesday with a female friend titled “unpleasant truths about each other”.

It was her turn. I was sitting on a couch, casually throwing grapes into my mouth from a distance.

“You don’t have too many manly qualities you know, you are slightly….how can I put it….. Dull” she commented casually

The next grape hit me in the eye as I recoiled in shock.

“What do you mean?” I spluttered indignantly.

She poked me in the tummy with a beautiful manicured finger.

“Ouch!! What the..?

“Is your stomach flat?” she bellowed like a Nazi dictator.

I studiously ignored her. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am not fat. Just pleasantly plump in certain places if you gather my drift.”

“Real guys like to exercise” she continued. Vinod spends an hour every morning doing 200 pushups. 200...”she emphatically repeated. ”He has this body to die for, what a chiseled chest” She drooled away.

So sue me.

“What are your hobbies?” She demanded next. Pesky female, this.

“Huh?” I had drifted away to sleep.

She poked me in the stomach again.

“Hobbies” she repeated, with an evil glint in her eye.

I was beginning to be alarmed now.

“Err, books…..writing…mmm that’s it I guess”

“Such gay hobbies. All the guys I know have hobbies like Fast cars, Soccer, Mountaineering .Why are you such a sissy?”

“All the guys she knows...Don’t I count?” I thought sarcastically. I however remained silent hoping it was over.

I wish.

“You hardly Party. You don’t drink or smoke. Why on earth will a girl fall for you?” she went on.

I took offence. While you don’t have to peel the girls off me by the dozens, I have had the odd admirer or two. I said so to my friend.

“Ha, I bet you wrote her some soppy poetry or something” she said and went off into peals of laughter.

I began to deny indignantly when I remembered I did write some poetry for her.

There ended my last pretensions of manliness.

She had her eyes shut lightly as if deciding what other aspects of my manliness to attack.

If this were a Group Discussion titled “Why the guy beside me is not manly” she would have aced it.

I tried to tiptoe out of the room silently before she opened her eyes. I was almost out of the door when I realized that my way of retreat was not the sign of manliness so I silently tiptoed back in again and sat next to her.

I considered killing her by hitting her on the head with a large book.

I had visions of her ghost coming back to tell me that how a real man would have killed her by running her over with a Ferrari Convertible.

“Damn it!!!”
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Note: The above post was in jest. In reality I weigh 65 kgs, have a waist size of 30, train tigers for a hobby and routinely jump off cliffs for a thrill.

P.s: Girl friend applications open from today. SMS “Macho” to 7777.