Picture Perfect!!!!

on Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Ahh…these social networking sites. Breeding grounds of losers par excellence who stalk you at all times with friendship requests and an unsolicited”hey...Remember me?” when all you did was make the mistake of talking to them for exactly 12 seconds 7 years ago. But a lot has been said on these issues. The topic of my ranting is on something more specific-the display pics on these social networking sites.
These attention grabbing pictures can be classified into a few standard types.
Main hoon Hero: The subject, usually male, stares at the camera with ferocious intensity .His photo has been clicked when he is out climbing the Himalayas, strumming on his guitar, fighting the neighborhood Bengal tigers or any such manly activity. Our hero, in spite of the ordeal is immaculately attired in branded clothes, designer sunglasses. A condescending smile and all the right muscles complete the picture.
Most likely scrap:” Whassup dude?”

Mama! I’m famous: Abhishek Bachan, Hrithik, Aishwaria Rai et al. Some go for an international celeb for a more cosmopolitan image.
Consists of two categories
Extremely ugly guys who know that putting up their actual pic would mean they would remain bachelors all their life.
Extremely good looking girls who know that if they put up their pics they would be harassed by Category 1.
P.S: The death of a girl in Mumbai after meeting her lover from orkut has now been understood to have arisen from shock to see how the guy actually looked.
Most likely Scrap:”Guess who”?
Thoda Casual Mangta Hai: Endeavoring to convey a boy/girl next door image. The photos have all been “accidentally” clicked. The subject will be look at any direction except the camera. Quite likely to have a half demented far away look in their eye. Will be wearing torn shorts, pajamas etc to emphasize the casualness of the situation.
Most likely scrap: “Remember me?”(If you don’t they will scrap you 12 more times asking “Why haven’t you replied”,”You look very busy” etc)
Techno freaks: Lots of spare time at their hands. Spend hours on piccasa or Photoshop to scare the living shit outta you. The subject is at a weird angle to the camera. The background is a nauseating combination of weird colors. Sometimes Black and white to cover their spotty complexion. Morph ugly face on handsome body. Morph Ugly body on Ugly face. His own Mom can’t recognize him now.
Most likely scrap: “Album updated!!!”(Note the 3 exclamation marks to emphasize the point)
Tab Main chotta Bachha Tha: The collection of the ugliest baby pics ever found on the internet. Usually dribbling from the corner of their mouths. Painstaking scanned from torn photo albums. To emphasize innocence. Cause of innumerable confusions like the actual age of the person now, the sex of the person etc. Usually sparks off a series of scraps from girls with moustaches on their faces which all go”Cho Chweet….is that you?? Did you wet your pants often then? You get the picture.
Most likely scrap:” It’s been a long time” (To include all the years growing up too”)
Change is the essence of life: Works on a real time basis. Is usually armed with a webcam or phone cam. The aim of his Life is to click pics from various angles and upload it instantly. The face is usually very close to the camera, arm extended giving a slightly distorted picture. Usually is so engrossed taking the pic that he forgets to smile. Badly Lit background.
Most likely scrap: (doesn’t get time to scrap…only upload pics constantly)
Famous Places/Nature: The subject stands in front of the Eiffel tower, the statue of Liberty, the qutub Minar etc else in front of a scenic background. Often have to screw our eyes to locate the person in the pic as most of the pic consists of the back ground. Travels 3 days of the week. Uploads pic the other half.
Most Likely Scrap: ”Eiffel Tower pics uploaded”

I’m sure all of you have identified the category you belong to. And I know my Orkut Page tomorrow will have 4234324 profile visitors all asking the same question”What pic has this guy put up? .We’ll show him.”
After gasping at my nude profile pic you’ll be short for words. Try and classify that … (evil Grin). (Mom and dad! I’m joking.)

The Taj times

on Wednesday, August 01, 2007


  • The government of India today awarded citizens who cast the maximum votes for the Taj with deluxe holidays for 4 days and 3 nights at the Taj Mahal. The top prize winner was however caught trying to exchange his gift for a second hand microwave oven.

  • A mysterious fight broke out between Mr. Manmohan Singh and Mrs. Sonia Gandhi today. Our reporters interviewed Mrs. Gandhi "I am a true Indian. Even though I eat pizza 4 times a day and my Hindi accent sucks, please don't think otherwise. When that sardar insisted that the Taj Mahal was better than the Colosseum I had to teach him a lesson. Mera Bharat Mahan."

  • The mysterious disappearances of women all over the country were finally solved. The women are committing suicide by burying themselves. In a emotionally moving letter mirroring millions of other letters, Mrs. Taj Begum (Name changed on request) begged her husband to build a monument in her name so that her soul can rest in peace

  • Bill Clinton famously once said" The world is divided into people who have seen the Taj and people who have not ".He today admitted he was wrong. He said it should have been" The world is divided into people who have SMSed for the Taj and the people who have not."


  • The share price of Bharti Airtel has zoomed to Rs.6700 per share. In an entirely unrelated incident, after consultation with a numerologist Mr. Sunil Mittal has now changed his name to Sunil Mittaj.

  • The tourism revenues have quadrupled this quarter because of the tremendous response from the people of different nationalities who throng the Taj Mahal daily. The breakup was
    Tourists from Agra-96%
    Rest of India -3%
    Foreigners- -1%

    Our reporter caught up with Mr. Lal who lived 100 meters away from the Taj Mahal. "It is my first visit" he said" I wanted to know what I had voted for"


  • In a startling twist, months after actress Bipasha Basu exclaimed"Oh my god, it's the Taj Mahal" after the inclusion of the monument of Love in the final list, her personal love life has dipped alarmingly.

  • A red faced Abhishek Bachan refused to confirm rumors that he had married Aishwaria Rai after his family conducted an SMS contest to decide the bride. An unrelated report from the telecom department showed that Salman Khan and Vivek Oberoi had unusually high phone bills that month.


  • The Indian Cricket team now leads the ICC cricket rankings. All the other teams had 200 points subtracted because an enquiry revealed that no other team had any monument in the new 7 wonders list. Ian Chappel remarked morosely "I asked my government to nominate my brother Greg for the competition. But they went with the opera house and see what happened?"

  • Saurav Ganguly took over as the captain of the Indian team after it was shockingly revealed by our reporter that Dravid had voted three times lesser than the Bengal Tiger for the Taj Mahal. Our reporter caught up with him . "Taj Mahal is the pride of Bengal "he said. When reminded that the Taj was not in Bengal, he threateningly swung his shirt over his head.

  • Greg Chappel leaked an email to the press which highlighted how it was the fault of Saurav Ganguly that the opera house could not make it to the final list. "He is not a team player. When I was captain of Australia the Taj was barely known" he complained